Me Vs My Body

Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Life has been beyond interesting lately. There is a situation transpiring where every time I think about it, I just start to cry. I haven’t had “cry moments” in a long time. I used to cry a lot when I first got out and I would think about Hunter. Now, I’m crying about something else. Tchalla seems to know about it too and that makes me cry even more. My cat always wants to be around me. He would rather sit at my feet and look at me lovingly than play with his own toys. He has to sit up in the bedroom all day because he hurt his leg and he’s not yet ready to scamper or climb things. Last night, he practically sniffed and licked all over me and tried to eat my glasses. That made me laugh. He knows how to cheer me up.

But I digress. I am not well. There is a large blotch on my right leg. Part of it feels like some kind of callus. It started small and then proceeded to grow large enough to cover most of my right leg from the knee down. There are times when it itches like all get out. My left leg is started to see the same thing happen. There is a blotch in the same spot but it’s not as large. It’s getting there. Then that spot itches and burns. It hurts when I walk, it hurts when I sit. It always hurts. And it itches, but it hurts more than it itches. Then there’s the matter of my CK levels. The normal CK levels are below 150. Mine are above 500 and don’t seem to want to drop below. I have had my blood drawn three times in the past week and a half behind this. I’m going in after work to have my blood drawn yet again. I am so over needles at this point. Another reason to cry. Did I also mention that when I get out of bed in the morning, I have to get up a certain way or my leg will get hit with a soul-shaking cramp?

I can’t exercise. I can get about a quarter of a mile in and then my calves get hit with soul-shaking pain. I’ve learned that is called “claudication”. And also because of the CK levels, I’m not allowed to exercise. I’m trying to lose weight and now I can’t even do anything to lose weight. The irony is that these difficulties may well be because of my weight.

I have most of the symptoms for some kind of vascular trouble or even some kind of arterial trouble and yet none of that shows up. I’ve had four ultrasounds since June, counting 2 in the last 5 days and nothing shows up. The doctors and specialists don’t seem to know what’s going on. They want to do a CT venogram of my abdomen and pelvis in the hopes that they find something. Oh God, how I want them to find something. Strife is always easier to endure when you know the cause. But when you know something is wrong, and you don’t know what it is, that will drive you crazy. Hence the moments where the tears fall down from my eyes.

There are things I want to do and wanted to do that I could not because of money situation. I don’t even have a savings right now because medical bills have eaten all of that up. My driver’s education is on hold because I am not physically capable of driving right now. My legs hurt THAT much. I’ve had to be absent from a job I somewhat enjoy because of appointments and the only reason I even have insurance is because of this job. I’m working hard on my writing because I need to do SOMETHING to generate more income. I’m like Benjamin Franklin knowing that the storm on the horizon might be the last one for a while. I so desperately need to catch lightning in a bottle.

My faith endures and I know that sounds weird to say. It’s the only reason I haven’t tapped out yet. I realize that the past year of my life has been a blessing. I left prison in a way that many convicts only dream of, and I do thank God and give Him glory for that. I try to stay close to Him in a Godless world right now. There are so many who don’t give Him the honor He deserves, or they try to make Him into something He’s not. But I still hold Him in high regard because ultimately, the answers I seek will come from Him.

But this is what I’m dealing with right now and yes, it’s frustrating. But like the saying goes, I have to trust the process.